Words & Melody

Intimacy, and our need for it, is a powerful drug – far more powerful than all of the addictive prescription and illegal drugs combined. We are inherently driven to intimacy in all of its aspects – physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy and mystical intimacy. So, the subject of “love” and commitment to one person presents several challenges. First, we often confuse our need for intimacy with “love”. If someone fulfills one or more of our intimacy needs, we are often quick to associate that with “love” or being “in love”. The word “infatuation” literally means “false fire”. It is very easy for that fire to become ignited when someone fulfills one of our needs for intimacy. Second, we often confuse physical intimacy for love. Physical intimacy is the easiest intimacy to give and receive. It can be an intimacy of wonderful beauty, grace and unselfish giving. Things as simple as a hug, a smile, an honest handshake or a sexual encounter can, at least temporarily, fulfill our need for physical intimacy. Precisely because it is so easy to give and receive, physical intimacy is also the easiest intimacy to confuse and abuse. Third, it is extremely rare to find one person who matches up with you to the extent that they satisfy all of your needs for intimacy. Your partner may stimulate you intellectually and physically, but not be able to address your emotional needs. Or, you may align spiritually and even intuitively and mystically, but they are not available physically or intellectually. It is much more likely that you have some people in your life who fulfill you physically, others who stimulate you intellectually and still others who connect with you spiritually or even mystically. A big factor in our disappointment with our chosen partners is that we make one or all of these mistakes – we confuse intimacy with “love”; or we confuse the pleasure of a physical connection, sexual or otherwise, with love; or we try to make one person our “everything” in terms of satisfying the full spectrum of our needs for intimacy. Once we understand our innate needs for intimacy, in all of its aspects, then we can more realistically construct a circle or support system of relationships that fulfills those needs. Within that context, we can also more realistically understand how our choice of partner fits within our overall need for an intimate life. With that knowledge, we have a much better chance of enjoying each relationship for what it supplies to us and vice versa. Specific to our committed partner relationships, we can then acknowledge to each other that fulfilling each other’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs may be enough. That is good and it is enough. True freedom comes in our relationships when we each understand the other’s full needs for intimacy AND enable each other the freedom to supplement and fulfill those needs in other relationships. Critical to that freedom is absolute trust that no other relationships will cross boundaries that you both hold as sacred. That typically comes back to that first and easiest intimacy – the physical.

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